reading time ~4 mins

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If you know yourself, then you’ll not be harmed by what is said about you

Sufyan al-Thawri

1. Usually we take things personally when there is an insecurity there which makes us vulnerable and take offence
   1. Example of taking personally – my friend says I don’t have time for him, and it has upset me
   2. Example of underlying insecurity – I feel I may not be a good enough friend – because I don’t say yes to every invitation or respond to texts immediately
   3. Learn how to solidify your self worth as a friend without it being delusional 
   4. Even if my friend does not agree based on his standards (it’s not really about him)
2. Try to not take offence – never think you are the victim – this is a weak self defence which hinders happiness or improvement
3. Identify and try to live up to your own values – stop seeking validation from others – even your loved ones
   1. As a friend, what values are important to you? E.g. being there in need, giving honest feedback, having fun together, etc.  
4. It is necessary for your own authenticity to understand and live by your values
   1. Evaluate your own values sincerely
   2. Feel free to communicate them with your loved ones – but do not expect them to agree with everything
   3. You do not have to justify and communicate everything. If others do not understand – that is also ok
5. When you don’t take things personally there is always an opportunity to improve e.g by fixing an insecurity or solidifying your values
6. Strike the Balance
   1. Low Self Esteem: Always blame yourself
   2. Narcissistic: Always blame others
   3. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle
7. Secure people are open to feedback
   1. Either someone says something which is false in which case you can just ignore it 
   2. Or someone says something that triggers an insecurity and we have the chance to evaluate our values and be more authentic
      1. We realise that our values are solid and we do not feel offended if someone else does not agree with them (even loved ones). E.g. I only check communication apps on my phone during certain hours to not interrupt my flow / productivity
      2. Or sometimes, the value needs adjustment and we change our behaviour to improve ourselves. E.g. Spending time with my friends is important so I will carve out time to spend with my friends fortnightly
8. What is not helpful
   1. Feeling bad about something which is not true 
   2. Ruining your mood 
   3. Finding ways to punish the other with silent treatment, or being mean, etc
   4. Always blaming others and never taking responsibility

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Sticks and Stones may break my bones

but words shall never hurt me